Blog post #19 of #ShiftYourHabits by Dace Pavloviča
Shift Your Habits
The Power Of No
Today I want to encourage you to remember the power of word “NO”. Especially if you haven’t used this word for a long time or you are afraid to say “no” to someone. Especially if you live with feeling that you give all of yourself to others, and feel like being empty, dissolved, invisible..
We all have the same needs.
I have mentioned it before, but I will emphasize it again. As those needs are so strong that they always dictate our behavior. No matter if we are aware of them or not. They will determine - how we act in certain life events, how we overcome difficulties, how we react to what other people say.
And those needs are: need to be loved, to be accepted, to be connected, to be significant and so on.
Based on those needs we sometimes unconsciously start to do things we actually don’t want to do. In other words, we start to please others to meet our unconscious need for being loved, being accepted. At the same time we forgot about our own needs, about what is important for us. And we forgot about the power of word “NO”.
When you refuse something to do something other people ask you about, it doesn’t mean that you are “bad” person.
It is often closely connected with our childhood. We have been taught: ““Good” boys or “Good” girls always are obedient,always smile, al ways do what they are asked to be done, and never gainsay to them, never say “no”..
And with no doubt – when we are small children we have to listen to our parents. We are fully dependent on them. And also that is true – no parents like if their child doesn’t listen to them. They can become very angry, and child can be even punished for behavior their parents don’t like. Sometimes it is because of safety. But mostly parents punish their children because they feel helpless and can’t manage their own anger.
Because of that childhood experience (good girls/boys never do so) it often happens – that we grow up and are still afraid to say “no” for somebody, for some life situation.
But it is just in your perception. Being adult, you can choose when to agree, when to disagree, when to say strong “no” to someone. It is your free choice.
It is absolutely normal that you will not be able always to support someone who asks for help, because you have your own needs also. And you have your own family. Your closest friends. Or your own children, who needs your attention, time, care and your love.
And you have… you. You also need Your love, your undivided attention and your time..
Try today (and I am not asking to do intentionally, but just feel in your heart – where the word “no” should be used) to recognize situations, where other people ask you to do something, but you feel that is not the best moment for you to do what they ask for – and try to make this choice. To say the word “NO”.
As more honest you will be to yourself, as your inner strength will increase. I can promise it. And when you are set up your own “boundaries” with outer world, you are become closer to yourself. As you focus on what your heart says and what you feel.
Stop to please anybody else and think about yourself also. You have the same needs as other people have. Don't step in those "being guilty, feeling guilty" traps. It is one more tool how to manipulate with you.
You don’t have always to support anybody, and to do what others expect from you to be done. That is one of the ways how destructive relationship can born. Where one manipulates with another, knowing that the "another" simply can’t say the word “no”. And start to use it in their own convenience.
You are the closest person to yourself. Take care about yourself first and only then you will be able to take care in the healthy way (not living in those destructive relationship) of others also.
Don’t burn out yourself by pleasing everybody and being afraid to use word “no”.
Put yourself in the first place. It is not ego. When you put yourself in the first place, only then you can truly help other people as well. Because you will not dissolve yourself in other people requirements and expectations. Because you have established healthy relationship with yourself. Because you will be not trapped in manipulative relationship anymore.
Respect yourself. Word “NO” is powerful. It helps reset boundaries. It will invite other people to respect you more. And your self esteem also will increase.
And "no" for something is big "yes" for something another at the same time.
Of Shift Your Habits
My name is Dace Pavloviča.