Blog post #26 of #ShiftYourHabits by Dace Pavloviča
Shift Your Habits
Today let's talk about self-pity and why it is so destructive for you if you choose to live in this state.
It is impossible to experience all the time just positive emotions. Not just impossible, but very unhealthy also.
We already have talked previously how dangerous it is - if we start to live in this pseudo-positive state. As we start to run away from any negative feeling, to push away any negative emotion. And try to be happy and positive all the time. It always ends with the same.
Anxiety goes up. Insecurity increases. Fears as well. Because you are not accepting yourself, your feelings and emotions. And it creates this gap in you. Between - how you feel and how you force yourself to feel. It is very far from inner freedom. (You can start even to be afraid from what you feel. This running away from yourself will just strengthen your helplessness and fears...) And in that case you loose ability to cooperate with yourself. As your inner fight starts within.
It is do very important to accept anything about yourself. Not to push away. Not to run away.
But there is one small 'catch'. To experience negative emotions - it doesn't mean - you need to start living in self-pity. Although, exactly this often happens. You start to feel sorry about yourself, you start to compare yourself to others, and blaming and feeling of being victim comes.
Why living in this self-pity state is so toxic for you?
Because you stop seeking for solutions. You stop notice positive events around you. You stop notice those things in your life, you could be so grateful for... All your energy goes in creating more sufferings and pains for yourself (you do it unconsciously). And the moment can come, you will feel completely helpless. With zero energy. Completely empty. Completely burned-out. As if you couldn't change anything in your life. And that's your destiny. To live in anxiety. In pains. In sufferings...
Lies. Those all are lies!
How to interrupt it, if you notice that you have unconsciously chosen exactly this - self-pity path for yourself?
As always, first step - become aware of it. Notice that you have chosen this path. Only then you will be able to change it. Nobody of us do it consciously. But while we don't see it to be true about us, we can't change it. We will continue to walk the same destructive path...
Second step - consciously start to put focus on positive things in your life. Again - it is NOT ESCAPING from negative feeling or emotions, but being more in reality - there is bright side in each even what happens for us. And it is our responsibility to notice those positive things also. Not to put all focus just on negative ones.
Third step - find each day what are you grateful for. Again - if it is difficult for you to notice, what you could be grateful for in your life, then be grateful - that you can read those words, that you can see, that you can hear, that you can walk. And so on. All those things we are used to consider to be self-evident, are not taken for granted for anybody...
Based on my own experience - that one year what I had to spend mostly lying in the bed, and any movements created strong physical pain in me (it was the time when I had back surgery and doctors didn't promise any improvements even after surgery..) - my only wish was to be able to walk again. Without pain.
Those things we consider to be self-evident, are not self-evident for all of us. Increase your awareness. Be grateful for what you have already. In this very moment.
We tend to color our lives in darker and more helpless tones as the reality is. It is all about our perception and attitude to ourselves. And each of us can make those small shifts.
We are not helpless. We can change what we WANT to change in our lives. There is always solution (and not just one) for each challenge we experience.
But it is very important how we treat ourselves. How we cooperate with ourselves. Where we put our focus, where our energy goes.
This self-pity takes away our ability to see. It creates dark and impenetrable curtain in front of our eyes if we talk in metaphor. It creates illusion wall, this feeling of being "caged".
Open the doors. Open your heart's eyes. Nothing is so bad as you used to see it previously. We all go through different challenges in our lives. And actually, nothing is permanent. After rain sun shines. After winter spring arrives. After tears, smile can shine again in our faces. It is our choice.
Stop living in self-pity. Choose more powerful state for you. Choose to open your self-made cage and make steps forward to your inner freedom. Become aware - despite any hardships you experience now, you are already free. Free to make any decisions. Make those ones which helps you to regain your inner strength back. Look for solutions. Don't give up. And don't live in this self-pity state anymore. Be your friend, not enemy.
Founder of "Shift Your Habits"